A frustrating conversation with a fake man.

After a non-unanimous decision to cull Foxtel I finally got around to making a call to can it, it only took 6 weeks.

Sure it’s ‘fabulous’ having 200 channels of reruns from the 1990s and loads of reality TV shows featuring stupid people, but the adverts just kill me. They are one of the reasons I watch ABC channels and SBS, I don’t do ads. They shit me.

Anyway, I get on the blower to Austar, I still call it this because that is what our box says. In fact I’m still not actually sure what happened there but Foxtel and Austar are apparently now one in the same.

I presume they sat down one day and said: ‘let’s not fight anymore, let’s join forces, have babies and annoy the shit out of our viewers and play 12 minutes of adds and 18 minutes of shows every 30 minutes’!

And no I’m not going to google it to find out what happened to Austar, semantics as far as I’m concerned. Also, I feel a tad embarrassed that I don’t know, me being someone who likes to keep up with current affairs and all that jazz.

Austar Foxtel

So I get on the blower and the options the nice recorded fake man give me were to add movie channels, add sports or add adult movies. No, I made the last one up.

But I tell him I want to cancel Austar and bless his cotton socks he doesn’t flinch, his recorded voice just asks me if I’ve moved and want to reconnect somewhere.

He’s in denial and wondering why anyone in their right mind give Foxtel the flick. I’m unperturbed and carry on my mission to cancel our subscription. It gets quite frustrating but I have to say for a recorded message he’s very polite…. see transcript.

Fake man: To make sure I’ve got the right person I’ll need to ask a few questions.  What is your date of birth.

Me: February 15 1978

Fake man: February 5 1978 – is that right?

Me: No.

Fake man: My mistake, sorry please enter it on the keyboard using 8 digits or for help just more information.

Me: More information.

Fake man: Please tell me your date of birth.

Me: *signs loudly and types in numbers on phone using digits.

Fake man: I’m sorry…

Me: *butts in and speaking loudly – 15th of February 1978.

Fake man: 15 February 1998, is that right?

Me: No.

Fake man: My mistake again. Alright what’s your postcode.

Me: 4211.

Fake man: Okay, next what’s your street address.

Me: *I should have said Foxy Lady Lane but I gave my actual address.

Fake man: Sorry, just repeat the name of street.

Me: repeats street name.

Fake man: Okay now what’s the street number.

Me: gives street number.

Fake man: Alright let me transfer you to someone who can help.

FARK! So what was the point in our little pretend chat then? Your guess is as good as mine!

A few seconds later a friendly chap called Major popped on the phone and politely asked what I wanted to do. I told him I wanted to cancel my Austar/Foxtel.

He asked me why and I spoke about how we only got it to watch the All Blacks win the World Cup last year and I could ear his eyes light up, true story.

Why I really have Foxtel.

Why I really have Foxtel.

It transpired he was from NZ also, in fact he lived in my hometown for a while and we spoke about the good old days and that he was paid to play rugby for a Gold Coast team.

Yes he too lived on the Gold Coast! Tis’ a small world y’all. Turns out it was too hot to play full-time so he gave it away.

Anyway we laughed and reminisced a bit more about growing up in NZ and played the ‘do you know this person’ game. He then said that he didn’t need to drink to have fun. He lost me there.

He did his best to convince me to keep Foxtel so I could watch the Super 18 (rugby union). I took all his valid points on board but decided I still wanted to stop our subscription.

He then said:

“Oh sorry you don’t have authority to cancel it, we haven’t got your name down as the person who can make changes. You’ll have to get your husband to call.”


That was a week ago and we still have Austar/Foxtel. It looks as though we’ll be watching the Super 18 after all.

Moral of the story: no good deed never goes unpunished. Oh and if you need to ring Foxtel for anything ask for Major, he’s a legend!

How much do you love or loathe pay TV? 

Why do you have it? For sport, movies, kids, docos?

Don’t you just love recorded phone messages!


  1. I hate that whole “the person who signed up needs to make the changes” thing – we are married and I am not trying to empty the savings account. It seems like such a ploy to make sure you don’t cancel anything.

  2. Bahaha “he lost me there” cracked me up. We had Foxtel when we lived in Brissy years ago and I found I preferred shows on the free to air channels anyway. We have just bought a ‘smart TV’ and I’m not sure I have the smarts to use it to it’s full potential but I’m pretty sure we don’t have much need for ‘ ‘Foxstar’ now anyway. It does everything but cut toenails. Apparently?

  3. We were deciding whether to get Foxtel a few years ago and decided against it. I’m all set with Netflix and 9 life at the moment, but with a toddler who never sleeps I hardly get time to watch them anyway damit.

  4. His name is Mike Hammond! Truly. He was/is the voice of Foxtel since it started in australia. He’s been on radio & tv. We have a like/hate relationship with Foxie. Still haven’t been able to completely give it up. We have a tailored package.. Sport – see above & not for me, Drama & Entertainment – for me to watch repeats of repeats & great British bake off & selling houses Aus. Ditched movies & kids ages ago / the channels I mean. D xx

  5. I have seriously considered giving it up because it costs far too much money… but then I am a reality junkie and I dont know how I would cope without housewives, Vanderpump and Selling houses lol. Good luck cancelling hun – I am sure they make it as hard as possible … and for the record – Austar… huh????

  6. Yeah!!! That’s Mike Hammond. Such a nice strong kind voice, I call Foxtel just to hear him. Sorry not sorry.

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