Today I’m getting a nose job, sort of.

I am literally pooping my pants right now because today I’m having a nose job – kind of.

Yes I am having an operation on my honker but it’s not for aesthetic or cosmetic reasons, although if you’ve ever met me you’d know I probably could do a bit of streamlining work done on my luxury sailboat; it comes complete with a helipad and Jacuzzi.

I’m having something called a septoplasty something er rather a thingee ma jingy what’s it. Basically it’s a procedure where my surgeon fixes my collapsed nasal passages so I can breathe properly.

Which again, if you’ve met me or ever spoken to me you’d know I’m very nasally-sounding. Something which is heightened by my delicious Kiwi accent. Fush. I love your deck.

My entire life I have had trouble breathing through my smeller, I sleep holding my cheek/nose to open up my nostril more so I can breathe better, my snuffer is always stuffy, I have a drip down the back of my throat and sinus infections plague me. Quite the catch I know.

I’ve also been acutely aware and self-conscious that it sounds like I speak through my schnoz and I’m quite embarrassed of it so I often talk quickly to disguise the fact. Of course this just makes me harder to understand. Lose lose situation.

What I imagine I'll look like after the procedure.

What I imagine I’ll look like after the procedure.

Anyway, as part of my 2015 health checkathon I visited my kids ENT specialist who just happens to be a Kiwi and said he was sure he knew me from somewhere, I panicked just a little bit.

I quickly scanned his framed doctor’s certificates and hoped like hell we didn’t go to the same uni because if we did it was highly possible that he might have known my face from a few unmentionable things I did while at university ‘studying’. Turns out we were in different islands at the time, PHEW!

A few seconds into my mumbled explanation of why I was visiting, he stopped me and said that just by looking at the shape of my beak he was able to diagnose collapsed nasal passages, something he could correct. To confirm he shoved a thing up my nose and then let it dangle out my throat to open up my nose. I could breathe easily through my nose for the first time EVER!

I was overcome with relief because my entire life I have hated my schnozzola, not just for its unsightly appearance but because of its lack of proper function, and now I had just been told it was fixable, well the function part.

Sadly without a proper cosmetic nose job my surgeon isn’t a miracle worker and won’t be able to make my snout any smaller, but it supposedly ‘suits the shape of my face’. I’m not sure what that says about my face but anyway.

It ain’t going to be pretty and I’m in for a world of pain, but to be able to breathe with ease, reduce sinus problems and reduce my nasally sounding voice, SO WORTH IT! I hope.

There’ll be no before and after shots. No one wants to see a bandaged whiffer, instead I’ll probably document my progress and call it The Not Quite A Nose Job Diaries, has a ring to it doesn’t it?

My elevated blood pressure diagnosis is causing me a little more anxiety but I’ve been rest assured by my surgeon that he and my anaesthetist have drugs to sort that out so I can only hope it goes well and have faith in the medicine system.

So there you have it, I’ve spilled my guts, I wasn’t going to but my wise mentor said she would and quite frankly I’m not ashamed or embarrassed of what I’m having done. I actually encourage everyone with nose breathing issues that affect their quality of life and sleep to seek medical advice if they wish.

Have you ever had a not quite a nose job done?

What about breathing issues? Or sinus infections?

Ever do anything crazy in your university days?

Got another word for nose – I think I have used them all!


  1. good luck hun! love m:)X

  2. Hope all goes smoothly Em. Ask for the good drugs!! xx

  3. Schnozbucket?
    I’ve known a few people who’ve had these “nose jobs” done. They’ve all said it was totally worth it. I’m hoping to get back into investigating my sinus issues!
    Wishing you safe surgery & hardcore drugs for recovery 😉

  4. Hope all goes well. I had my middle septum straightened about 30 years ago – best thing I ever had done. Remember, I’m just around the corner if there is anything I can do to help.
    Look after yourself. xox

  5. Good luck Em!

  6. Fabulous news and good on you for sharing. Here is to your new snozz xx

  7. Good luck Em. Hope you are breathing and sounding better within no time. X

  8. Best wishes, surgery is never fun. But it will be so worth it xxx

  9. All will go perfectly hun! Thinking of you. oxoox

  10. By the time you read this comment I hope the “job is done” which means you are closer to recovery & breathing easy Em! You sure have had a medical-filled year — here’s to a great 2016! Best wishes D

  11. I actually know 2 people who’ve had the same op. From what I understand- you won’t know yourself, it will be amazing! Good luck lovely xx

  12. Hooray for better breathing!!! Good luck xx

  13. I just had a thought! Do you snore because of it? Maybe that’s contributing to the high blood pressure??? I can’t breath through my large honker either and I sniff all the time when I’m trying to go to sleep. It’s been like that since I was a kid. Hope it all goes well Em x

  14. Wishing you a quick recovery Em! Get lots of rest after!

  15. I think it’s a great idea. My dad had something similar years ago and I’ve often wondered about something similar. I used to get ear infections all of the time from something to do with my nasal passages and usually have a blocked nose but don’t think it’s bad enough yet to warrant anything.

    I’m sure it’ll go well and you’ll be sniffing easily in no time at all!

  16. Hope it all went well Em! I’ve had TWO septoplasties. The first one didn’t work (probably a dodgy surgeon) but the relief at being able to breathe after the second one made it all worth it. And I don’t think it was all that painful either. I remember taking Arnica drops to help with the black eyes and that really helped. All I know is that flushing out all the gore each day after the surgery was the worst part. It always made me feel queasy. Hope you can start to breathe easy very soon xxx

  17. My brother just has his deviated septum fixed! He has had breathing problems how whole life. And he sounds like Napolean Dynamite when he talks. I haven’t talked to him since he had it done. I have no idea what he sounds like. Also. my favourite podcaster also just had this surgery done. There’s going to be 3 of you walking around breathing so much better. How good is surgery (sometimes). Hooray. Hope everything goes well.

  18. OH SWEETIE! Wish I saw this earlier! I had this (septoplasty turbinectomy) this time last year!

    It didn’t hurt at all. I didn’t need any pain killers at all. Felt pretty miserable for quite a while, but I could have let you know that there wouldn’t really be any pain and clued you up to get in some soft food cause you can’t chew for shit for a few days.

    Email me/Facebook message/Tweet whatevz if you wanna talk xxxxxxxxxx

  19. Holy crap, you’re having a bloody interesting run of luck with your health at the moment! How amazing that he was able to mention that just by sight – and how great that he was willing to share that with you even though it wasn’t strictly your appointment. What a legend.

  20. I’ve done crazy shit, only I never went to uni….hmmm. Hope it all goes well x

  21. Oh you are going to feel all the better for being able to breathe properly! It’s kinda important so I’m glad this is going to have a little fix up. Sounds a bit ouchy but. Hang in there xx

  22. Just catching up on all of this now! Sorry I haven’t been keeping up with what’s been going on. Obviously, you’ve already had it so I won’t say good luck with the procedure.
    I do have to say that I often have a random kiwi accent – I’ve never been to New Zealand (or anywhere but Australia) but I often have the most random accent slips that come from nowhere. Just a random bit of nothing for you!


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