The farting masseuse.

Nothing says relaxing like trying to stop your nose from running when your head is squished through a cut-out on a massage table.

It’s worse if half of your eye or cheek is suctioned to the vinyl hole.

Yesterday my lovely masseuse told me she remembered me from last time, this would usually make my day except she said it just seconds after she tucked the towel into my daggy knickers.

While I’d like to think she recognised me because of my ridiculously sexy back, she was probably thinking she’d seen my unfortunate granny pants before. And she’d be right.

My one-hour treatment was delivered in a former open-plan office and I knew this because the carpet was red with grey stripes and there were 12 wall sockets within metres of each other.

But I wasn’t there for the posh decor, or in this case the large purple pieces of material hanging below the ceiling and held up with baling twine.

My friend did a fabulous job, suggested I see a chiropractor because my back is poked and told me I have a nobbly bone in my shoulder. It was so good I nearly fell asleep, which is a big deal for me!

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If you’ve partaken in a massage or two I bet you’ve come across at least one of these scenarios.

The squeaky table – usually found in the mid-to-low level massage houses and known to induce panic during rollover time.

The farting masseuse – nothing makes me crankier than having to smell someone else’s fluff, especially when there’s only two of us in the room and I’ve spend ages trying to keep one, or two, in!

The karate chop – this is a subtle way to wake you up just before your treatment is over. Is also given by someone who’s bored and wants to go home.

Sally soft-hands – she might as well have fingers made out of feathers for all the good she’s doing. Don’t be shy to pipe up and ask for her to ‘go a little harder and deeper’, just be wary of how loud you say this when having a massage at the mall or in a communal space.

Brutal beerhands – opposite of above, the next day it feels like you’ve been in a boxing match.

Fancy Nancy – each room is named after a different country and it’s so dark you almost trip over the chair and fall into the CD player that emits soft sound of waves lapping that make you want to wee for the entire 90-minute massage.

The whimsical whisperer – this masseuse is barely audible and the quiet talk is awkwardly erotic and not helpful when you’re slightly deaf like me. I just laugh awkwardly or say “oh is that right?” which is never the right answer to “is this pressure okay?”

The sniffer, the throat clearer, coughing bandit – if I wanted to hear the sound of bodily functions while nude under a towel then I would have stayed at home.

Mr or Mrs Chatterbox – not necessarily to me, because I don’t talk during treatments, but to a nearby masseuse, often in a different language, and this makes me paranoid they’re talking about me and my wobbly bits.

The Grunter – usually a person of smaller stature than yourself having to really use their strength to push your beached body about the table. The noise is to let you know your slovenly body is making life hard for them.

Creepy crawler – either they’re not concentrating or they’re trying to cop a feel. Good or bad depending on what blows your hair back.

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When was the last time you had a massage?

Got a type to share? Maybe you’ve been karate chopped recently?

TELL ME ALL THE JUICY DETAILS!

Comments

  1. Oh geez its been so long since I had a massage – probably last time we were on holidays. Actually yes it was! And you had to go through all of these bathing rituals before the massage which took about an hour. Fun the first time, but when it came to the second massage, it was like ‘can we just go straight to the massage room?’.

  2. I haven’t had a proper massage in ages – probably before I had Phoebe. I used to get the regularly when I was on the tools. I used to get sports massages and they did not put me to sleep. Can’t stop laughing at the picture at the end of this post.

  3. I would love a nice massage…..although knowing me I would probably fall asleep. That picture cracks me up!!

  4. Ha! Hilarious. I’ve been lucky enough not to had the pleasure of experiencing the farting masseuse. Bergh!!! I had a massage 3 weeks ago – slipped a disc in my back again. It was great. Had acupuncture as well – the best feeling!

  5. merilyn says:

    lol em!
    love that last pic … hilarious!
    haven’t had a massage for a while but I think I need one!
    last one was quite good medium strength
    mr m just came in and I showed him your list and he was in hysterics!
    he read the whole article! … and said she’s good! … btw he’s not easily impressed!
    lol m:)X

  6. Emily, you make me laugh out loud – dont wake the child woman! my office is next to the youngun’s room- both doors are open.
    Well happily my masseuse was perfect, nice oil burners, soft lighting – not too dark, firm but gentle hands… then she got preggers and disappeared for two years!

  7. I usually feel obliged to talk to the massage therapist but occasionally I used to tell them I wasn’t going to talk, just rest.

    I love it when they put a towel under the face hole thing… to catch your drool!

  8. Tears rolling down my face. I wish someone could pull together a list on where to get a fantastic massage in Sydney. I’ve experienced far more than my fair share of the above!

  9. HAHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAA pissed myself over the farting one. The last massage I had was punctuated by the couple living next door to the dayspa having the massivest barney. They sounded like they were hammered even though it was only 3pm and the girl was screaming hardcore F-bombs at the dude. I couldn’t stop laughing, especially when the massage lady quietly went over and turned up the volume of the soothing sounds of the ocean CD. xxx

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