Norks and muffs.

For years they’ve resided quietly in my nose minding their own business, until today that was.

Yes 30 minutes into my relaxing facial shit got real and black heads were pried from their beloved home.

I didn’t know it was a thing until Mrs Woog mentioned she had it done a few weeks ago. Funny, she never mentioned the pain or morbid curiosity that went with it!

Let me go back to 4.45am this morning when a child visited me in bed complaining of a sore ear. With a suspected ear infection how could I send him off to kindy so I could get pampered, what sort of mum does that? Me*.

Yep I dosed him with pain relief, packed myself a guilt trip and headed off to get the massage/facial was my sister gifted me at Xmas.

I go in to more detail in my newsletter, which you really should be getting because I’ve been told it’s quite hilarious**. Be a sport, sign up here.

Back to me lying in my knickers under a towel after my massage.

I was so oiled up that I was genuinely worried my entire body might accidentally slip through that hole your face sits in, you know the one that makes your nose run and gives me funny marks on your forehead?

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Just as an aside, doesn’t the idea of a massage and facial sound WAY more glamorous than the actual event itself?

Sure our faces feel great but our hair looks like we haven’t washed it for a week and oil gets EVERYWHERE. I just found a spot behind my ear post shower.

I also have an extremely ticklish neck which makes facials even more awkward as I giggle when she slops her hands under my chin.

Being tall also means that my toes usually stick out of the towel/duvet that’s keeping my naked body hidden from sight.

And we all know that when you’re in the nud it’s hard to manoeuvre a towel without revealing norks and muff.

So while my feet were getting cold the beautician got to work scrubbing, massaging and putting on muck that stings your face.

A tiny circular metal thing then started attacking my generous nose. I’ve had my fair share of facials and this has never happened to me before.

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Maybe because of the sheer volume of them other therapists haven’t even attempted to extract them. Not that I was counting but I figure she evicted about 41 and a half of them!

She told me I had a ‘medium’ amount and that I now have a ‘clean nose’ – oh fabulous, just what I have always wanted.

I bet the craters will fill up with crap again in no time so a rather pointless exercise I reckon.

Next time I’ll be refusing the painful extraction, as far as I’m concerned they don’t cause me any grief so I’ll let them stay put.

What do you love/hate about facials?

And blackhead removal – is it something that’s happened forever?

* Of course I drove straight to kindy after my appointment, took him to doctor got script for ear infection and took him home with me and smooched on the couch. See I’m not a REALLY shitty mum, just a slightly shitty mum.

**that might be pushing it but I can guarantee you’ll be slightly amused.

Comments

  1. Now that sounds … delightful, hmmm. Boire or whatever that brand is have these nice strip things you can use, way less painful by the sounds of it and you get to enjoy that morbid fascination of seeing what it collected, at home.

  2. Mrs Woog says:

    DO NOT TOUCH YOUR SKIN FOR THE NEXT MILLION YEARS!

  3. I am delighted to report that that has never happened to me. But that’s probably because I’ve never had a facial. I suffer the same revealing problems with massages, though!

  4. I’ve only ever had one facial and it didn’t involve any extraction of any kind, if it did I probably would’ve gone a bit ape shit on their ass.

  5. I think it goes through stages. It use to be a thing offered with facials years ago and then it seemed to stop and now it looks like it’s making a reappearance again.

    My last facial was an interesting affair, I was under an infrared style light for part of it. Even with eye mask on, you could say I was blinded by the light. It was like looking directly into the sun, 5 inches away from your face. It took a little while for my eyes to adjust (even with the goggles on) and the results on my skin were amazing.

  6. Thanks for the giggle Emily!
    I’ve had some little white heads thingies extracted from my face before and Inew asked to see what she was using but I’m guessing by the feels of it (bloody ouch, eyes watering) it was the same beauty utensil that was used on you and I’ve never been back for a facial since! Funnily enough I was gifted a facial for Christmas too, think I’ll be making sure this session is utensil free.
    Hope the little ear is on the mend and you’re not a shitty Mum. have a great weekend xx

  7. I once got a Scoopon voucher for an el cheapie facial. When I turned up it was in this damp, dusty room at the top of an old building. I should have escaped when I had the chance, but being the eternal optimist I thought it would get better. How wrong could I be? I’ve actually tried to block it out of my memory but I can’t forget the scratchy granny blanket I was covered with and the thick gunk she spread on my face, I have no idea what it was, I just shut my eyes and thought of England. I’ve become a facial phobic since then! And for the record, when it comes to mums, you fall into the super rather than the shitty category!

  8. I suspect this is the kind of facial that requires a bottle of red wine. Ouch!

  9. I have one of them extractor thingos. Ebay, $2. Bargain! (Confession- I’m disgustingly interested in cleaning pores)

  10. Good lord that sounds awful! Facials are not supposed to involve pain. I’m always confused when they ask me if I have any particular concerns about my skin. I don’t actually care about my skin at all. I just want some time out in this lovely room with the warm towels, soothing music and massage oils. Now please stop talking to me…

  11. Seriously??? She got that piece of nasty looking equipment out to use on your nose??? I have had my fair share of facials and I have not heard of this before and I have things to dig out on my nose that I’m sure many a beautician would love to unleash something like this on. My god, did it hurt?
    Hope you’re little guy is doing alright. At least after some pamper time you’ll be more refreshed to deal with the crap that comes with kiddy sickness x

  12. I’m not one for facials, especially if they are going to do that!!!

  13. I am not really much of a pameree myself. My old boss used to send us off to get facials, but I never really enjoyed it. I left one with a bright red, oily face, which later broke out in more pimples than I have ever had collectively. I think this post has put me off them for life! 🙂

  14. You’re really selling it for me Em! I love a good facial but have never been attacked by one of those circular metal thingies. The thing I love most is the 1 hour I have to myself and I do walk away feeling cleaner. I’m not as much into massages. There’s something about having to wear paper underwear that just isn’t attractive to me. Hope your little man recovers quickly. And by the way – I’m stoked that my post in the link up is directly next to your title of “Norks and muffs” 🙂

  15. It’s true – facials are waaay more glamorous in theory than practise. x

  16. I love pore strips but I hate facials – too much goop. I’ll save my moolah for a massage!

  17. I haven’t had a facial for years but my last one was back in the day the beauty therapists just used their gloved fingers to squeeze blackheads. I use pore strips but have run out at the moment and am crying poor so can’t justify the cost. I love them though!

    Deb

  18. Sophisticated Mumma says:

    You are not a shitty Mother at all! Your kiddo is absolutely fine and that’s the main thing. As a Beauty Therapist myself I can tell you that extractions are very much a European thing…in fact they expect it done. It does depend on the Therapist, but I’d say you had a darn good thorough facial by the sounds of it. You can always refuse it if it’s too invasive for you 🙂

  19. Facials no, but a big yes to massage, thank you very much!
    And I have no doubts in my mind that you are of the fab mama variety xx

  20. I’m not big on facials, I usually end up with a huge breakout after them. But I’ll take the massage any day (even with a sick kid).

  21. I love having facials! My skin always feels amazing after having one. Haven’t had the black head removal treatment, though. Doesn’t look like I’m missing out! Glad you survived it 🙂

  22. I’ve never had a massage or a facial. I’m not big on people touching me (unless I know them well) so I’ve always avoided them and, your story is helping me to keep strong and stay away! It sounds terrible. Does your nose feel ‘better’ due to the procedure? Otherwise what’s the point??

  23. It’s been 7 years since I had a massage and facial, must have one soonish I reckon. Can’t believe I hadn’t signed up to your news letter

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