Avoid these people to save your sanity!

If there’s one thing I can’t stand it is pencil-thin women at a buffet.

Most aren’t even prepared for their epic feast and are usually wearing skin-tight clothes without an elastic waistband.

They also take WAY too long to select which type of lettuce they’ll have and then after just one visit will loudly proclaim they are stuffed.

On my fourth round, when I’m piling my plate high with curries or deep-fried oriental dishes, it’s not uncommon for me to accidentally knock my tuckshop arms into said skinny girl.

When she spies my plate her chin drops to the floor and she gives me a self righteous look of utter disdain and disgust. I grin back, usually with food on my top, ridiculously happy that I’m about to eat my body weight in food.

If you’re someone like me who eats ALL the food then skinny people at buffets are best avoided.

Sames goes for women with bolt-ons, otherwise known as fake breasts.

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For a woman with naturally saggy big boobs, who has had three kids, looking at a pair of perfectly-shaped bazookas popping out of crop top drives me mental.

Sure some of it’s probably jealously but living in the Gold Coast I’m subjected to more than my fair share of fakies.

It’s not good for the self-esteem I tell you and whenever I see a pair I can’t look away, they’re like a blinding train wreck.

Just quietly I pride myself on being able to pick fake boobs, a talent my husband not surprisingly enjoys immensely. Pervert.

There’s a few telltale signs that men just have no idea about because they’re too busy gawking at them! I just laugh when Mr HALOM says to me, “no they’re real I can tell”.

I’m not knocking other women’s knockers, I’m just slightly envious and put out that naturally big-breasted women such as myself can’t compete with perky fakes that aren’t friends with their belly button like mine are.

The third and final group of people I should avoid, but don’t, are those organised types, school teachers, designers and immaculately presented folks.

Why? They make me feel bad about how slack, unorganised, non-trendy and lazy I actually am. I look at them and admire their incredible ability to get shit done.

And yes I know I make up for it by being great at…. something – but there are moments when I wish I had every duck in a row, coloured co-ordinated and in alphabetical order.

If you go by my weird logic then I’m probably a person that’s good to be around because I have saggy boobs, am very unorganised and am sporting a muffin top.

I will actually make you feel WAY better about yourself!

You are welcome.

What types of people make you feel inadequate?

Can you look away from fake boobs?

What about buffets, are you a fan?

P.s no offence to all my friends who are all of the above, you know I love!

Comments

  1. I’m ADD ( easily distracted) but as a mother and s teacher I’ve had to train myself to be organised and thorough in my routines and planning each day . It’s been hard but has got easier over the years .
    Also suffer big boobs and a spare tummy tyre so I avoid buffets like the plague for fear of eating my body weight . Discipline sucks but it’s all I have to prevent Mu Mu dresses !
    Seriously Em if you love yourself then who cares what others look like ! I bet your man loves you just the way you are ! You rock !!

  2. I would like to be the organised person that you avoid, I just can’t be stuffed being organised.

  3. I reckon I’m pretty good at spotting fake boobs too. They just demand attention don’t they? Although recently I was asked if I’d had a boob job, which I’m not sure was an insult or a compliment.

  4. Ha ha ha ha, I love it. I am alway in awe of those naturally organised people who seem to keep their shit together so effortlessly – hence my “get sorted” missing this year….and it has worked Em, I am finally sorted after 36 years, I may FINALLY be THAT person that you want to avoid….but there is no avoiding me EMILY. I am so happy to finally be THAT person….should probably not brag too much because last night I didn’t put the washing away….felt like I may be sliding back to the dark side, so back on top of things today! 🙂

  5. My favorite Seinfeld line – when one of his girlfriends was suspected of having bolt ons;
    Jerry: “I can handle people with phoney personalities but somewhere I gotta draw the line.”
    Elaine: “Just when I think you are the shallowest man in existence, you manage to drain a little more outta the pool.”
    Brilliant!

  6. Buffet’s are wasted on my these days. I’m not stick thin but can only tolerate a certain amount and type of food, which means it’s just easier for everyone involved if I avoid them.

    I think I need to avoid tribes. They just seem to be like the cool or in crowd at school. Something that just isn’t me.

  7. Super skinny and big boobs, there is no way that is all real.
    It has been ages since I’ve been to a buffet but I used to be able to eat my body weight in food I swear but these days I have no idea, maybe I need to try it out.
    Organised I am not, I used to be better but now I am way worse. I guess sometimes there are more important things happening, like all the time.

  8. I so badly wish I was an organised person. An enjoyed cleaning. But I’m learning to accept that it’s just never gonna happen!

  9. Add to that list people who are bubbly and cheerful early in the morning. People who love running and posting about it on facebook. People who love cooking and basically just PEOPLE! They’re the WORST! LOL

  10. Oh, Em – each to his or her own! If fake boobs make you happy, go for it.
    xxx

  11. What always stumps me with plastic surgery is the cost- I could not justify $10K on my knockers. There are people starving in the world, we need a newer car, my kids need uniforms and a uni fund, there are animals that need rescue, there is medical research desperately needing funding- so how could I spend that on my boobs I think I’m an over-thinker…!

  12. LOL. People who are super organised most likely have ocd. I always go for 4+ plates at a buffet but my secret is to wear jeans and a long top that way I can unbutton the jeans and nobody knows!

  13. I will happily share my industrial boulder holders with you any time hun. I cant promise they will raise them as high as fakeys but f we get a glimpse of our belly buttons then its all good right? You are fabulous, dont you ever EVER forget it. See you at the buffet 😉 xx

  14. Mmmmm good buffet’s are rare but amazing…best thing about staying at a nice hotel is the breakfast buffet! You gotta eat enough to leave you full for the whole day to get your money’s worth 😉

  15. Oh love it! I’m a buffet loving, saggy boob, disorganised ex-teacher mum. I covet being organised so much, and love all the advice on how to get organised that is out there, but I just take little bits and make it work for me. Chaos is loved in our house.

  16. Hahaha – glad I’m not the only one trying to avoid these types. I have to own u to being fixated when I see someone with clearly fake boobs – particularly when they are stick thin and their boobs are just out there, perky and proud. It is hard to look away – it’s clearly not natural to be that way!!!! You crack me up – thanks for a laugh when I’m up way too early on a Saturday morning Em!

  17. Ok so we clearly can’t be mates on some levels but far out I will eat you under the table at that buffet and us and our respectives can go out perving on girls for the evening.
    Husband and I do love a game of spotting the ones with the most done.. we look for the whole hog, boobs, botox, lips n cheeks . Secretly I am jealous and he is just having a gawk but we claim it as a sport 🙂

  18. Good one Em. The fakies are certainly out in force on the Goldie. And I’m especially with you on the last one – some people are far too organised for my own good.

  19. I actually aspire to be in the third group. I want to be organised, have a house that’s neat and tidy whilst looking immaculately groomed.

  20. You are right, on the GC fake boobs, fake tans and perfectly dressed people seem to be every way I turn. I hate them maybe because I’m jealous. But then again, some of them look down right ridiculous which makes me glad I’m just me.

  21. I actually decided to withdraw from social media for the reasons you mention. Not the specific people, but because I was starting to feel really crappy about my life. Others always seem to have more and better – families, houses, work, things. I decided I needed to entrench myself LESS in the lives of others and more in my own. If that makes sense!

    Deb

  22. I don’t hate these types I just wish they would rub off on me a little. I like me just the way I am – but there’s always LOADS of room for improvement! xx

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