This is your captain speaking…

Good morning I’m Captain Wing It and it’s my pleasure to welcome you aboard flight Shit You’re In For A Shock to Parenthood.

The weather at your destination is completely unpredictable but will include confusion, frustration, tears, unconditional love and laughter.

Aboard this flight please turn off any preconceived ideas you have about raising children and remember it’s against aviation regulations to judge or criticise others on this journey.

flights

For your viewing pleasure we have a selection of embarrassing, naughty and cheeky behaviours, and we apologise in advance if your first choice of attitude is not available.

We do have a selection of beverages available, these include coffee to pick you up, wine to keep you sane, spirits to help you forget and water for the morning after.

Today our menu includes a selection of food that will be thrown at you, spewed all over you, possibly pooed over you and will be hated, fussed over and at times may resemble pig’s slop.

To make this journey slightly more pleasant we do have cabin crew trained in all aspects of parenting, but please be warned that their advice should not be taken as gospel and they might have hidden agendas.

On board this particular flight you will be secretly judged but again, it’s prudent to remember some people have nothing better to do than talk about others.

Out of respect for your fellow passengers we respectfully ask that you refrain from relentlessly blowing smoke up your own ass, especially to those who might find this journey more difficult than you.

While there’s three exits located on this craft I won’t bother pointing them out as there’s no escape even in times of extreme flatulence.

And a final reminder that during your journey to Parenthood certain items in your under carriage will move around so please be mindful of this at all times.

On behalf of everyone on board flight Shit You’re In For A Shock I wish you a pleasant journey and if you require assistance please ask for help.

What has been the biggest shock so far on your journey through parenthood?

Got any advice on how to make it more pleasant?

Comments

  1. Ha ha ha love this! Who would have thought that we’d be on the same farken flight! 🙂 xxx

  2. Perfect. Bravo babe! xx

  3. And it is an endless flight!

  4. Ha, ha – love the no escape even in times of extreme flatulence – you forget the ‘put the oxygen mask on your child first’ – or maybe it should be put the parachute on yourself first.

  5. Love it Em! This is so true. I think everything about being a parent is a shock at first. And just when you start to get smug and think you’ve got it all sussed out, those little gremlins throw a spanner in the works, just to keep you on your toes!

  6. THIS WINS THE ENTIRE INTERNET! THAT IS ALL.

  7. You just described my life. I love it!!

  8. PMSL!!! I read that with this Barbie type helium filled flight attendant voice in my head. So friggin’ hilarious!

  9. Very clever!

  10. Yes. THIS. Because child birth isn’t quite enough of a shock. Love your work. xo

  11. Love it!
    Biggest shock… that I would just get used to dealing with other peoples bodily fluids daily.. make that several times a day!

  12. Lol, been on a few flights recently hey?:)

  13. Bahaha! Love this Em! My flight is definitely stuck in a holding pattern just like this until who the fark knows when …

  14. This is hilarious! I did, however, feel a little guilty laughing out loud because I detect an undertone of ‘I’ve had enough-ness’. Throw your hands up in the air, go to the beach, eat icecream, be silly… it’s optional to take the kids 😉

  15. Man I have missed you!! This is just GOLD xx

  16. Remind me never to fly with that airline.

  17. Yep. Yep. Yep. and…. Yep. to all bloody perfect!

  18. And people say a fear of flying is irrational!

  19. Gold! Thanks for the giggle before bed. You’ve been missed

  20. This is perfect…

  21. hahaha loveit…..oh and there’s lots of turbulence once the teenage years hit!!

  22. Haha – yep I’ve been on that flight A LONG TIME!! Never ending journey is VERY TRUE! Lots of turbulence, treatment like your old and embarassing and fears of the plane falling from the sky for parents of young adults – has captain wing told you that? LOL

  23. This is a cracker, Em! That’s one flight I’ll never take, but I have been a bit of a stowaway on random babysitting duties. High Fives to all the parents out there. You guys deserve a medal!

  24. I love you. Seriously. This is brilliance.

  25. Definitely one for the funny because it’s true files!

  26. LMAO Oh Em… I think I was sitting in the seat behind you! 😉 xx

  27. I think I’ve mentioned that I wasn’t able to have kids – combo of not meeting the right man (or any man) and by the time I’d given up on that and tried it alone (in my 40s) I was unsuccessful and pulled the plug on IVF etc when I was 43. I did worry though about what I’d be like as a parent. I had a lot to do with my niece when she was little but she was exhausting. I was very conscious that I was going to be a single parent and only starting in my 40s which worried me a little (lot).

    Deb

  28. No tips from me, just hold on tight. But they wouldn’t dare throw food at me…might end up a bit hungry that day.

  29. Love it! So very true, at least we are all in good company.

  30. So hilarious Em, so funny. At least we are all on the same flight with like minded souls… Lol x

  31. I think my biggest shock is a, I’m very fertile and b, the reality of having to repeat yourself 50 million times a day. It does my head in!!

  32. Don that life jacket and take a deep breath. That’s all I got right now…and Katy Perry. Teenage Dream ‘lets run away and never look back’ 😉

  33. Sleep is an optional extra, dictated by the smallest passenger…..

  34. I been stuck on this flight for 10 years now – apparently I took the special flight ;). The food isn’t getting any better although the entertainment can be very amusing. Still not sure of my end destination but I’ll just keep Nathan strapped in beside me (he’s not going anywhere) and try to ride out the turbulence with wine and laughter. Thanks for helping me with the last bit today – you are awesome!

  35. OMG I love this, especially this part {On behalf of everyone on board flight Shit You’re In For A Shock}.

    Thank you for this post.

  36. can. not. stop. laughing.

  37. LOL you’re funny Em. The biggest shock in my parenting journey was giving my kids a stable home with heaps of love (and great parents) yet they STILL rebelled as teens. WTF!

  38. Are there any illuminating lights when it all gets dark and smoky?

  39. Lady, you’re a fricken genius. This is HILARIOUS! I’d also like to add that there’s no point in taking other parents’ choice as a criticism, because we’re all just trying to claw our way to destination forever x

  40. Oh man you hit the nail on the head so well you should be a carpenter 😉

  41. I love this post!!!! You are one clever lady Emily!

  42. Oh god, pass me the sick bag. It is just like a never ending, relentless, turbulent ride that you can’t get off! If only I had a stewardess to being me wine.

  43. Oh this is very funny. Thanks for linking up with Mummy Mondays #TeamMM

  44. I hate those people who smile and breeze by saying how easy it is, when you are having the day from hell. F*** you and your full nights of sleep!

Trackbacks

  1. […] With its return also came a bit of a shocking revelation. I was a failure in the mum stakes. While not expressed in those exact words the general gist of the conversation tore at my heart. It was a real slap to my face, which had me thinking of Mrs Woogs blog post and made me revisit a post from Emily at Have A Laugh On Me (This is your captain speaking). […]

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