What my phone would say if it could talk!

An open letter from my smart phone:

To: The person who can’t keep her grubby hands to herself!

I have to start by saying that I am deeply touched that you can’t seem to leave me alone for more than half an hour.

But I do feel that your time might be better spent doing things such as preparing meals, dusting the fans, washing and getting rid of all that shit on top of the microwave.


Look at it! It’s a bloody disgrace!

In fact if you ever so much as even THINK about putting me up there amongst the chaos I will purposely drop out when you are in the middle of a rant with your husband! Consider yourself warned!

(Audible sigh) However, instead of getting really personal about how you treat me – like shit I thought I might just list some grievances for you to consider:

1. Duty of care.

Yes I understand that your husband got a Lifeproof case for me because you’re a clumsy git, but could you at least TRY not to drop me five times a day?

Oh and while you’re at it, can you PLEASE do your best to keep the 2.5yo from licking and bashing my face, it’s really starting to annoy the potentially dangerous radio-frequency energy out of me.

2. Pretending I’m not there.

I know that you feel like you have to pretend that you’re not checking me first thing in the morning in order to be a good role model for your children.

But seriously blondie – you’re not fooling anyone by telling the kids that you’re just checking the time/weather/radar – they weren’t born yesterday!

Perhaps you could try NOT looking at me until the kids are at school/daycare and you actually need me for work. I sure could do with a sleep in, I’m not sure why both of us have to be awake at five-bloody-am?

3.  Me time

I’m not going to sugarcoat it, we have an unhealthy relationship, and when I say we I mean YOU, the person who can’t go anywhere without me #needymuch.

Does it really matter if you leave me at home once in a while? Will your head fall off if you don’t know who has tried to contact you or liked one of your ridiculously indulgent blog/twitter/FB/IG posts?


Quite honestly I think we need to have a bit of a break – maybe a trial separation even?

I think you need to realise that even if we only see each other once a day then that’s okay.

Don’t forget that a few years ago we didn’t even know each other and look at what you achieved!

Yours faithfully

Phoenix (the Phone)

 What would your phone say to you if it could speak?

It’s Tuesday and I blog so I can link with the superstar Jess over at Essentially Jess for IBOT

I’m blogging every day in May thanks to Clairey Hewitt. Today’s prompt: Describe your relationship with your phone – Honestly.



  1. Haha. Awesome! Mine would say I’m a clumsy git too 🙂 I don’t know if I’d ever be able to leave home without it, but I definitely do try to limit the time I use it during the day when I’m with the kids … or at work 🙂

  2. Mine would say “ditto to em’s phone” xx

  3. Hahaha! Mine would say “I have so much to offer yet you only ever recognise my looks and you use me to connect with everyone BUT ME. I am deeper than that! Please take the time to really get to know me”.
    L @ DFF

  4. He he. You’re hillarious! I think your smart phone might be brothers or something with mine ‘cos they think seriously alike. Im way too attached to mine and ya know what shits me? Husband can have entire conversations with me staring at his and not look up even once. Nothing makes me more wild with fury. I dont think smart phones are all that healthy in so many situations- like that one for instabce. Theres a societal addiction for sure!

  5. My phone gets dropped a lot (including in the pool) so I think our phones might talk a similar language….

  6. Haha! Mine would say much the same things! But I dare say it would think it is my favourite thing in the whole house…

  7. Mine would howl with derisive laughter about how useless I am with technology. It took me week to figure out how to…erm….answer it. I be stoopid I know – I can’t even call myself a blogger…*hangs head in shame*

  8. Haha, you’re not on your own there Em. And don’t even get me started on cleaning the fans, aaaahhhh!! x

  9. I’m afraid my phone would say something similar. But I would argue that they are great with my kids and it’s wonderful including them on family outings so they can be a good distraction if my kids start to get whiney.

  10. merilyn says:

    i’ll give you a different take on it em!
    I’m a hand me down from queensland daughter and I feel rejected as my
    new owner barely uses or abuses me
    my new owner touches me gently wipes me over frequently
    but won’t be a slave to me and I’m usually turned off!
    often hear her saying where is the phone
    the significant other rants and raves how do you use this bloody thing
    and gives up hurling it stupid bit of s…!
    don’t feel needed at all!
    btw your microwave needs serious attention em! judging! lol m:)X

  11. My would say that the plain canary yellow case its currently wearing is “like so last season dahling”.

  12. That is awesome! I dread to think what mine would say. I probably wouldn’t listen anyway.

  13. Ahahahha mine would probably say the same thing.. except it doesn’t have a Lifeproof case to protect it and feel even more pain!! Oh, and my 5 year-old doesn’t lick the phone either 😛

    Ai @ Sakura Haruka

  14. I think my phone would be similar to Merilyn’s phone EXCEPT for the fact that I USED to be all over it – wouldn’t leave home without out – checked it all the time – constantly using it to update statuses. Then I got over it and decided that being with the people I was actually with was more important than updating what I was doing for the people I wasn’t with and suddenly, my phone wasn’t quite the necessity that it used to be.
    I think you should do what works for you !!!!
    Have a great day !
    Me xox

  15. Mine would say the same Em. Plus, if you can’t make it through the day without plugging me in, you’re using me too much. xx

  16. ah, so funny! I think mine would say pretty much the same.

  17. I just love when you post pics of your clutter – can you keep doing it?! It makes me feel great! I shut mine away in drawers and cupboards but they are just as bad as yours (only out of sight).
    I especially love my mobile in Winter as it is so warm and toasty from overuse and acts as a great hand-warmer.
    I have been good at shutting my PC in the evenings and putting my mobile away lately. I go sit on the sofa and watch the males play the Playstation (which is dead-dull) but at least I will extend the life of my devices doing this. 😀

  18. Hahaha!! You’re not alone there – I think we might need to form some kind of AA club for our phones (or it is us??)

  19. Mine would beg not to be buried at the bottom of the handbag with the left over treats that have come loose from their container, or the tissues used last week, nor the keys or loose coins that scratch. No wonder I need a new cover on a monthly bases.

  20. I’m too scared to think what my phone would say! I know for a fact it doesn’t like being dropped in all sorts of ways so much – and maybe the cutest little bunny phone case isn’t something it likes very much either?

  21. Mine would probably say a similar thing.
    Although I think I have been marginally better with use the last few days, so yay me! Now I just have to try and keep it up 😮

  22. Hahah Em, love it. I think my phone and your phone probably wish they could get together so they could bitch about us behind our backs. Mine would say very similar things. Hmmm.

  23. Mine would just beg me to keep the baby away from it because she tries to eat it everytime she gets it.

  24. Mine would say all of this and more!! Maybe there is a support group they could all go to? 😉

  25. Nice work Em. I love letters, especially from phones.

  26. Mine would say a lot of the same! I too didn’t have a mobile at all until a few years ago, and now I am not sure if I could live without it!!

  27. Love it Em!!! And we all have a spot (or more) in our house just like on top of your microwave – just I’m not brave enough to share it ….

  28. mine would say……why do you text so slowly lol xx

  29. Oh My goodness you are bloody hilarious. I think your phone and mine should go on holiday together. I’m off to share this.

  30. This is a super post Emily. My phone would probably say give me some more love 🙂

  31. Loved this, your phone is very vocal. I think Phoenix (Jasper’s middle name, FYI, love it) could be a little bit kinder to you. Mine would be asking for some dental/face work AND a Lifeproof case to avoid having the same problems it does now.
    I highly recommend a trial separation, I like to have some time disconnected and it can be hard but I find it so necessary. I think I might be in need of a break now, too.

  32. Mine would probably say something very similar…I do leave mine downstairs now when I go to bed so that we both have some ‘alone time’…

  33. This is great! My phone would up and leave me if it could!

  34. A few years ago you didn’t know each other – and BOOM! Three kids! It’s the new ‘Don’t you guys have a TV?’ x

  35. Mine would probably tell me to stop putting it in the dark abyss of my handbag. Who knows what is in there sometimes!

  36. Remember when we could actually leave the house without being immediately contactable? Ah….those were the days lol.
    My phone would say to me – I’m glad you deleted your Facebook app, you don’t need it and how much more time do you have in your day now?

  37. I think your phone and my phone have been talking…

  38. This is very funny. I don’t even want to think what my poor phone would say to me!!!

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